TIPS ON BEING A DRAG QUEEN DOOR WHORE!!

1.    Get some Drag!!!! There is nothing worse than wanting to be a drag queen door whore and not having any drag!! It doesn’t work if you are in man clothes unless you are a drag king!

2.    Get the highest pair of heels you can find to wear! Comfort means foook all!! One must suffer and please believe me, one will suffer!! Added tip if you are black……make sure your heels aren’t too high because when other black people who are straight see you in drag, bitch, you’d better be able to run from a machete attack!


3.    Shave, shave, shave, shave SHAVE!!!!!!! Do not apply slap to your face without shaving your face (Unless you are Rhoda Hoarse!!) otherwise you will look like a man with a beard wearing make-up!!!

4.    DO NOT eat garlic or anything spicy for at least 24 hours before commencing work!! Scally boys don’t like it when you snog them with garlic breath!!!

5.    IMPORTANT………DO NOT kiss people in the conventional way otherwise your make-up will be destroyed! (Unless you are Rhoda Hoarse then it doesn’t matter, in fact it’s encouraged in her case!) Either air kiss or just tongue them instead or just tweak their genitals!

6.    Always make sure you do at least the emergency wash before commencing work as a door whore. Armpits, crotch and teeth! Being labelled a smelly door whore is not good, unless you breath smells of cock snot and then you become even more desirable!

7.    Do not suck anyone off whilst wearing make-up in confined spaces, otherwise your make-up will slide off and end up in your handbag and people will laugh at you when you walk back into the club and you will be labelled a dirty bitch!

8.    DO NOT piss or throw up in your handbag under any circumstances!! Otherwise you will have to go out on the rob again for new make-up that’s been destroyed in your handbag plus smelling of vomit is only acceptable if you are bulimic!

9.    If young children walk past the door where you are working DO NOT speak to them with a big old man voice otherwise you will scar their minds and you might end up being involved in a law suit!

10.    If you are sucking a straight boy off in drag, make sure you tie your wig to your head otherwise he will become very disturbed when your wig comes off in his hands in the throws of passion and then he might kill you for ‘proving’ you are a man…..unless you feign having chemotherapy!

11.    When you have finished your door whore stint EITHER go home in drag OR get changed in the club and leave by a back entrance! DO NOT let people see you without slap on AND under absolutely no circumstances must you leave the club in man clothes and still wearing your make-up because under an ancient law, people are allowed to lawfully kill you and bitch, it will serve you right!!

12.    Do not get embarrassed sharing changing rooms with strippers!! It is the law that drag queens have to share dressing rooms with strippers! Strippers don’t care about being naked and they sometimes get you to wank them off so they can tie their cocks up before going on stage! This isn’t sexual on their behalf it’s just practical!!

13.      DO NOT have sexual relations with promoters in clubs! If you do then they will rip you off when it comes to being paid! They will assume that having their knob in your mouth is payment enough!

14.    Make sure your handbag is big enough to house your slap, ciggies, camera, smuggled in vodka, chewing gum, condoms and lubes plus the hundreds of telephone numbers you will acquire from tranny shaggers, people with ‘great’ ideas, sexy scally boys who will swap guest list for sexual favours and lots of other people who you won’t remember cos you got too pissed!! PLUS enough room for an emergency pair of tights and a spare wig just in case someone rips your wig off your head and runs off with it. NEVER keep your mobile phone in your handbag cos it WILL be robbed!

15.    Get your eyes tested and if needs be, wear contact lenses just in case someone like Madonna turns up and you don’t recognise her and you turn her away, thus bringing to an end your career tearfully! Under no circumstances should you wear plain prescription glasses!!! Showgirl in specs is not a good look and they will make you look retarded! Sunglasses such as Chanel, Gucci and Prada are fine!

16.    If you can’t make your own clothes then only wear designer clothes! Remember, any shoplifter can acquire designer clothes! Failing that, befriend a clothes designer! Vivienne Westwood, Gaultier, McQueen, Galliano would be best but failing that, a final year fashion student will suffice!! NEVER a first year student because they are the equivalent of children smearing their own shit on curtains as far as design goes!

17.    If a promoter mentions the word CHARITY, it means that, bitch, you ain’t getting paid!!! So on hearing the word charity, pretend you don’t speak English and walk away!

18.    NEVER have a dump in a toilet in drag!! Because when you walk out of the toilet, you are guaranteed to have a queue a mile long outside your cubicle and they will all be calling you a smelly dirty bitch!

19.    If a straight girl tries to pull your wig off, kill her and dump her body in a skip because if you don’t kill her she will do it again and again because in a drunken state, the bitch thinks she’s funny!

20.    Finally, make sure that you have left the club before the lights go up in the club because honey unless you are blessed with extreme beauty and miracle make-up you will scare the punters and the rats in the bright lights!!

21.    LATE ADDITION BY DUSTY ’O’: “Always ask for cash...no cheques. They are tax traceable!

TIPS ON BEING A SUCCESSFUL X FACTOR CONTESTANT.

1.    Be able to sing!! If you are a rubbish singer then you are going to get slaughtered by Simon Cowell and it will serve you right!

2.    If your child is a rubbish singer (Like the child below) DO NOT encourage them to carry on singing!! You are not doing them a favour and when they go on X Factor and when they get slated by the panel then it will cost you a fortune in therapy! Plus they will hate you forever for lying to them!

3.    Make sure you are thick skinned, especially if you aren’t any good at singing! The reason being that all your mates, work colleagues and people who live in your area will forever laugh at you for being rubbish!

4.    If you are smart enough to know you are a rubbish singer but you want your 5 minutes of fame then wear a mad outfit or do really silly make-up! The more over the top the better! They will re-run your audition forever! Plus you can always blame it on the costume/make-up (Like below)!

5.    DO NOT be smart with Sharon Osbourne! She will wipe the floor with you and may inflict life threatening injuries on you! She put the ‘tough’ into ‘tough cookie’!

6.    DO NOT try and outdo Simon Cowell in the trouser department! It’s his trade mark and he will get rid of you for having the nerve to steal his thunder!

7.    Bleeding heart stories are all well and good for public sympathy but don’t over do it! A child on life support is ok but not with too many complications otherwise the public start to panic due to guilt and boredom and they will vote you out!

8.    If the entire panel say you are rubbish, then please leave the audition with dignity! DO NOT beg them to change their minds by getting on your knees cos you will look a complete LOSER and you might have to leave the country in shame!

9.    If you get through round one DO NOT slag the panel off on camera!! Why?? Because it will get back to them you idiot and they will kick your arse out!!!!

10.    Unless you are a fabulous singer, don’t bother going on X Factor because your ‘5 minutes’ of fame may turn into a life time of humiliation

TIPS ON GETTING A SEXY SCALLY BOY

1.    Fancying boys is a start! If you don’t fancy boys then this one is a no no!

2.    If you own a jewellery that specialises in selling gold then you are onto a winner! Especially thick gold chains and sovereigns! You will have your pick of scally boy stunners! They will worship at your feet and sit on your cock for jewellery!

3.    If you are a dangerous dog breeder, you are guaranteed a scally boy stunner! 

4.    If you are a manager at a JJB store you will get more scally cock than you can handle! Free trackies equals free sex!!

5.    If you are a security guard at a JJB store and you are prepared to ‘look the other way’ then you too will be worshipped by sexy scally boys!

6.    If you are a ‘soft touch’ magistrate who fancies scally boys then word will get out and they will queue to sex with you for ‘getting off’ favours!

7.    If you know how to disable electronic tags from ankles then you will be offered sex from top notch scally boys for your services forever!

8.    If you work in an off licence then you are gonna be a scally boy magnate!! Free booze means free sex!

9.    If you work in a chip shop and can give away free fish and chips then every sexy scally boy in the world will want some of your battered sausage!

10.    Move to a Tower block in Salford and sit on the stairs with a bottle of vodka at 3 in the morning! You are guaranteed to pull a scally stunner!

TIPS ON HOW TO BE A SUCCESSFUL DJ!

1.    Have records or CD’s!! If you don’t have these then you’ll never be a DJ, you’ll be a dodgy mime artist pretending!

2.    Hearing helps! If you are deaf then you could find yourself in deep shit cos you can’t hear the music!

3.    DO NOT get too drunk at the decks! There’s nothing worse than a selfish DJ getting blind drunk and falling on the decks!! Do you know how much decks cost???

4.    DO NOT have sex with too many DJ groupies cos you will eventually get the clap at least orally! DJ’s get loads of sex (Unless your name is Alan Stevens!) and the amount of times DJ’s get a dose from being sucked off by someone isn’t even funny anymore!

5.    If you are continually clearing dance floors with your DJing then you are doing something wrong, which will result in you being yanked off the decks in front of everyone and the only person who will have sex with you then is Essential Doorpicker John!!

6.    When it comes to speaking on a microphone, House DJ’s, shut the foook up talking cos it pisses people off and Pop DJ’s keep talking, the more the better!

7.    If you are a cute aspiring DJ, sleep with Nicksy! You’ll at least get to stand in the DJ box in the Pop Lounge and get a feel of things!

8.    DO NOT be late if you are taking over from the likes of DJ Mel, cos she will more than likely slap ya and believe me, she’s strong!!

9.    Be thick skinned cos believe me, DJ’s get criticised more than anyone!! People are passionate about their music and if you are a DJ and foook up (Or don’t foook up for that matter) then ooooh watch out cos some people will have a go at you and if you are sensitive then ha ha, tough!

10.    If you are a drag DJ, DO NOT where heels behind the decks AND only wear flat wigs! If you don’t then your feet will be foooked for the rest of the week and you head phones will be tangled in your wig!

TIPS ON HAVING A SUCCESSFUL HEN NIGHT DOWN CANAL STREET!!

1.    Make sure your hen party has other people in it and the person getting married, otherwise you won’t be on a hen party night, you will be a straight woman cruising Canal St and if you fella finds out…..he won’t be pleased even if it’s Homo Land!!

2.    Wear sensible heels!!! Don’t go out in 4 inch heels clonking up and down Canal St for hours, otherwise your feet will be destroyed and you will end up walking like Whoopee Goldberg in high heels!!

3.    Pace yourselves with alcohol!!!! Don’t start your hen night at 2 in the afternoon and be drinking all day and night, otherwise you will end up doing things you’ll regret like trying to shag a Big Issue seller who hasn’t washed in a month and who ends up giving you something in the STD department!

4.    Don’t try it on with the gay boys!! Well you can try but you won’t get any where, especially if you are a gran out on her gran daughter’s hen night pissed up and trying ya luck with a 6ft Brazilian love God muscle boy holding hands with his equally impressive Salford counterpart!

5.    DO NOT show off your fashion accessories to any of the drag queens down Canal St!!!!!!! If you do, they will rob you of them!! Especially the dodgy pair outside Queer Bar!!

6.    DO NOT try and be brave by asking Planet Lesbania President and Essential and Queer Bar doorwoman Pam for a kiss, especially if you are a pretty lass cos believe me she’ll give you more than a kiss and you’ll end up going home explaining to your fella how come your bra is on the wrong way round!!

7.    DO NOT pick a fight on a big strapping lesbian, cos believe me honey, she’ll kill you with one blow! Lesbians are trained to kill so BEWARE!!

8.    DO NOT go upto a drag queen and grab your own breasts and say: “At least mine are real!!” This will not impress a drag queen and they will probably give you a severe tongue lashing for acting like a big tit!

9.    When you see men dressed in black on doors of clubs and bars, they are not your personal photographer, handbag minder or personal snogging slave, they are SECURITY!! So leave them alone!!

10.    If you are wearing a scary hen party costume, make sure you keep up with your party because you will end up walking by yourself in a scary costume, without the excuse of being a drag queen and people will laugh at you thus causing you self esteem issues!

TIPS ON HOW TO ATTRACT A MAN.

1.    Win the lottery! This is guaranteed to attract a man! You can have a face that would scare a rabid pitbull but by winning the lottery you will look gorgeous!

2.    WASH!!! People can get offended by smelly unkempt people! (Although there are some people into odours out there and I’m sure sniffing a toilet bowl is an aphrodisiac to them and good luck to ya’s!) Don’t go up to a fella trying ya luck and you smell of last night’s trade! Shower and spray on a gorgeous scent. The one thing you can put behind your ears to attract a man is your legs!

3.    Get some major dirt on them and blackmail them! Tell them if they don’t go out with you, all the dirt you have on them will be broadcast around the Village!

4.    Be a complete slag in the bedroom! This will come very easy to many lads though! Don’t play the virgin! That’s great behaviour in a Barbara Cartland novel but your average gay lad will be bored to death with it and try elsewhere!

5.    If you are going out to meet a fella, don’t have a kebab before you meet him!! Your breath will stink and the kebab might fly out the other end quicker than you think and unless he’s into scat he won’t speak to you again and your name will be dirt all around the Village!

6.    If you are out on a date with a fella DO NOT tell him too much about yourself, especially the bad stuff! Don’t be giving him your bleeding heart story and then start crying about it cos believe me chuck, you won’t see him again! Have an air of mystery about you!

7.    If you are desperate for a shag and the fella you have met will do for a quickie but is a bit ugly then just bullshit him by telling him how gorgeous he is and that you’ve always fancied him and tell him what you want to do to him! You are guaranteed to have rampant sex cos the ugly bastard probably hasn’t had it for ages and your dirty talk will make him really excited!! Don’t forget to exit as soon as you’ve dumped your load though otherwise you’ll have a bunny boiler in tow!

8.    Tell future trade that you are the manager of the Emporio Armani shop in town and can get him free clothes or if he is a Scally boy, tell him you are the manager of a JJB sports shop and you can supply him with free trackies and trainers! You will have fantastic sex but once again make sure you disappear afterwards, especially from the Scally boy cos when he finds out you aren’t the manager of a JJB sports shop, he is allowed by law to kill you, especially if he’s from Salford!

9.    If you meet a lad in a bar or a club, tell him you couldn’t possibly sleep with him because you have a boyfriend and you are in love! This is guaranteed to get him into bed because you know what gay lads are like when confronted by someone who is hitched, they try ten times harder to get them!

10.    Go on www.fitlads.net you’ll get a bloke in approximately 2 minutes! Even if you look like a dog's backside!

TIPS ON HOW TO GET RID OF A BLOKE.

1.    Tell him you love him and you want to spend the rest of your life with him! This is guaranteed to get rid of a bloke!

2.    Tell him you want to finish with him cos his cock is too big!! What the hell is he going to say?? ‘No it’s not!!’ I don’t think so!!

3.    Meet him in a bar and turn up in drag! Honey let me tell you, there will be dust where he once sat as he runs like Linford Christie down Canal St getting away from you!

4.    If it’s a Scally boy you want to get rid of (Why??? You dumb bitch!!) Tell him you are allergic to gold! WHOOSH!!!! He’s gone!

5.    Hit him over the head with a hammer and dump him in a skip! It saves a lot of trouble BUT please be prepared to spend the rest of your life in prison picking up soap in the showers for a 7ft mountain man!

6.    Whilst he is in the bath, chuck in a switched on electric heater! Be careful though cos the sudden surge in electricity may end in you having to pay more money each month in your electricity easy payment scheme!

7.    Tell him you don’t believe in sex before a civil partnership (How 2007!)! He’ll be out of the door before you can put your hands on your hips!

8.    Get your best mate to say they slept with your fella whilst your fella is there! Your best friend probably has slept with him but for the purposes of getting rid of your fella play along with me bitch! Make a BIG issue out of it and tell him you are heart broken and that you never want to see him again!! Try not to start laughing though!

9.    Ask your fella if he want’s to have a three way relationship with your sister! Guaranteed to get rid of a fella…….unless he was a Brookside fan!

10.    Get Planet Lesbania President, doorwoman Pam to sort him out! One word from her and you won’t see him again!

1.    Make sure you have an audience!! If you don’t have an audience then you aren’t a stripper, you are a lad who likes to take his clothes off to music!

2.    Make sure you have a big cock!! Yes really! If you don’t then when you take your kegs off, people will laugh at you!! Male strippers HAVE TO have big cocks!

3.    Be nice looking with a nice body!! BUT the bigger your cock the less nice looking you have to be and the less of a nice body you need!

4.    Like your audience!!! OR at least pretend you do! If you are on stage in front of 500 queens and you look like you would rather be swallowing dog shit then they will sense this and you won’t work in that venue again!! AND word will get around!

5.    Be prepared to be touched up! It will happen! They aren’t allowed to but believe me it will happen! Arguing the point to the promoter after someone as touched you up is gonna end in two words ‘WHAT EVER!’

6.    DO NOT sleep with a club promoter until you have your money in your hand!! If you do then I guarantee you won’t get paid the full amount! The promoter will think that having his cock in your mouth is part payment enough!!

7.    If you are working a straight venue then for goodness sakes pretend you are straight!! Straight women want to think they have a chance with the fella stripping and if they know the fella is gay then it will piss them off! Unlike gay men who think any man is fair game!

8.    Being a decent dancer is a good idea but once again, the bigger your cock the less you have to rely on your dancing skills!

9.    DO NOT put baby oil all over your cock and expect someone to suck you off!! Although we all know someone who’ll do it but on the whole keep your cock oil free!

10.    When you are fully naked MAKE SURE that most of your audience see you naked otherwise the ones that don’t will start putting the word around that you was crap only cos they didn’t see your cock! You know how bitter some queens can be!

TIPS ON BEING A SUCCESSFUL SHOPLIFTER!!!


1.    Find a shop that’s open! There is nothing worse than turning up for a bout of shoplifting and the shop is shut!

2.    Pick a shop where the security guards are smaller than you and look like they are slower than you! If the security guards look like ex WWF wrestlers or look the spit of ex Olympic sprinter Linford Christie then move on to another store!

3.    Don’t rob anything with a tag on, unless you have a device for getting tags off because when you get to the exit doors the tags will set the alarms off and you may be confronted by security guard types as explained above in tip 2!

4.    If you can only lift 80kg in the gym then don’t try and rob something 81kg and heavier! Bitch, you won’t get far!

5.    Don’t rob yellow label products!!!! If you are gonna rob something at least rob stuff that’s going to last more than a day! You might even find the perishable goods can go off before you get home thus smelling your flat out!

6.    Do not rob frozen products in the winter! Frozen products placed up ya jumper in the winter could cause death by hyperthermia! If you have robbed something from ASDA in Hulme and you live on Stretford Rd in Hulme, you might be dead by the time you even make it to the petrol station!

7.    Self service checkouts are smarter than you think and are best avoided!! Go to an ordinary checkout and try and hide goods under bags in your trolley and if you get caught say: “If it can happen to Richard Madeley, it can happen to me!! It was a genuine mistake! OK!”

8.    Don’t rob from shops in Wythenshawe!! Even if a ‘little old lady’ is the only person working in the shop because after all, it is Wythenshawe and you know how rough it is there and the old bird is probably armed!

9.    If your choice of shops to rob is ‘Mark One’ or ‘Emporio Armani’ then go for ‘Emporio Armani’ because it will sound much better and classier in court and when you are in Strangeways prison, the other prisoners will think you are classy too!

10.    Go out with Rhoda Hoarse cos that bitch is a genius when it comes to shop lifting and will give you plenty of tips! Some of the tips even the CIA would love to have! The only problem is that you will be a successful shoplifter but your reputation will be foooked cos you are going out with her!

TIPS ON HOW TO PISS OFF A DJ

1.    Tell a DJ that it’s really easy being a DJ cos all they do are play other peoples tunes!

2.    As a vinyl DJ is about to do a mix, tap them on the elbow of the arm they are queuing the record with and laugh hysterically like it’s really funny that you are making the record jump!!!

3.    Place your bottle of beer on the turntable to see it whiz around whilst pointing it out to the DJ and smirking!

4.    Ask the DJ if he/she has heard of the tune that you are trying to hum to them at 3 in the morning when you are really pissed and spitting in their ear!

5.    Ask a DJ who plays CD’s: “One day do you hope to be a proper DJ like vinyl DJ’s???

6.    If you can’t find your mate in the club go up to someone like Alan Stevens and ask him to do a shout out for your friend over the microphone!

7.    If you are a sexy lad and the DJ fancies you, go into his DJ box and start sucking his friend off!! That is guaranteed to make him hate you for life!

8.    Tell the DJ playing: “You know what; you played one or two decent records tonight!

9.    Say to a DJ: “Have you ever thought of becoming a bingo caller cos your DJ’ing sucks??”

10.    …………and finally: “What do you do for your proper job??”